Where do I begin?

The last couple of years have been some of the most transformative and yet heartbreaking years. I am a bit rusty about writing my thoughts, but if you have been a long-time follower and know how much I used to love to share about the ups and downs, grab a glass of wine and perhaps a snack. This may take a while to get through.

I believe the last time I truly shared what was going on behind the aesthetic Instagram stories and perfectly curated reels, I was still blogging full-time. I lived on the beach in a tiny run-down studio apartment, struggling to get food in my fridge and pay rent, battling trying to find a full-time job. My hormones were the worst they have ever been, pre-diabetic, newly diagnosed hearing loss, and a plastered smile to hide the pain in my heart and body.

It was during this time that I started my path to truly heal my PTSD and pain that I have carried with me since I was a child. Tapping into my past and allowing my body to feel the pain I had been so skillfully running away from. I put down the alcohol, I stopped numbing out from partying and people who helped me stay stuck, and met the most broken version of me.

Summer of 2023 I had made HUGE steps in figuring out who I am after a painful life. I found my laugh again. I found peace in a body that felt anything but my own. I found contentment in being someone with a past who didn’t harden her heart but made her compassionate and empathetic.

NEW BEGINNINGS

By Fall of 2023: I was in what I thought was my forever relationship. A recruiter scouted me for the most perfect job (that I still have and love more and more each day). Life felt brighter, lighter, but still a piece of me was missing. In the middle of finding a new group of people in my life and new experiences, I felt an emptiness that would swallow me most days.

Winter 2024, I couldn’t shake the feelings of not belonging. I was struggling to fit. There is a lot I will not talk about during this time of my life; it was dark, but it was a path I had walked before. It strangely comforted me, which should have been my wake-up call.

I worked hard on earning love, kindness, and acceptance. I always felt like it was just out of my reach. When I returned from what was supposed to be the perfect European adventure, the one I pretended it was online, I started therapy with a new therapist.

THERAPY

July 2024, I had no idea at the time, but this was when my life would change. I started therapy, begging her to help me not be so “crazy”. I had echoes of words that were not my own, haunting my thoughts each day. Those words shaped how I saw myself. They consumed me, robbed me of the love and life I had worked so hard to get; the light was completely gone from my eyes. Why did I allow those things to slip through my fingers so easily? Within the first couple of sessions, my therapist was directing me to focus on my relationship with myself, what stays when I do that stays, and what goes…goes.

Over the next 10 months, I would work on my relationship with my own feelings, thoughts, heart, body, and past. I started to truly FEEL my emotions in completion for the first time in my life. All the experiences I had bottled up in my life because it wasn’t safe to feel, I finally created safety within myself to feel those things for the first time.

I would learn how to trust myself and my intuition. I would learn how to listen to what my body was trying to tell me. I would slow down and allow my nervous system to calm down. I would tune in and notice when something or someone wasn’t aligned with my body. I would find my voice. It was shaky and uncertain at first, sometimes too sharp, sometimes too soft spoken, but I found it.

I wasn’t broken, I wasn’t a lost cause. I was a person who had gone through unimaginable pain and survived. I was a person who actively chose to be soft and lead with love in a world that has only shown her pain and suffering. I had the power to direct my life and know that I don’t have to do a single thing to be worthy of love, kindness, respect, gentleness, and devotion. Love wasn’t based on earning it, but knowing I was worthy of it just by being a human. This changed when I started to love myself in this way.

My therapist worked hard on teaching me tools to reconnect to my body using somatic therapy practices, breathwork, journaling, and nervous system regulation. These simple tools have been some of the hardest work of my life. I have no words to express how incredibly thankful I am to have had her walking with me through this time; she helped me save my life. I had someone who knew the darkest pieces of me and loved me unconditionally. She showed me what true, vulnerable love looks like and feels like in life. To be truly seen in all my complexities and valued. That is something that changed my heart in unexplainable ways.

During this work, I finally created the safety and stability within myself that I had been seeking elsewhere. When I did this, I realized my environment no longer served me, a place that once brought comfort because the chaos was familiar. It now disrupted the stability and safety I created in my nervous system, and I knew I had to make the difficult choice of leaving.

It took me months to allow my heart to believe what my mind and body knew all along. I had to allow my heart to catch up. When I did, there was no turning back. I could see the story clearly for the first time, the past moments came flooding back to me that I stuffed down and told myself where ok. That I was demanded to just let go and excuse away. I could no longer turn a blind eye.

MOVING

Spring 2025, alone again in my mid 30’s but free and whole. I found the cutest apartment to move to. It has an in-unit washer and dryer that makes me cry each week, a huge kitchen to dance and cook in, a golf simulator so my dreams don’t die, and enough room for all my stuff. I found a safe place for me to belong. I started over, but yet, at times, I feel like I am now right on track.

I said goodbyes that smashed my heart to a million pieces. Sometimes you have to break your own heart to get to where you know you need to be. I have settled knowing there is a version of me being told that isn’t true, but I finally don’t feel the need to defend myself. That alone has been the most freeing feeling. There is power in silence, unexplainable peace.

I started fresh, financially recovering from my relationship, but making it work because I have myself. I had sold almost all of my furniture after leaving my last apartment. It’s going to be a slow rebuild process, especially since hackers stole my personal information in February of this year and crushed my credit. For now, I get cozy on a pile of blankets where a couch will go eventually, and sit in peace.

CAR ACCIDENT

About a month after settling into my new apartment, I was hit by a drunk driver. Ironically, I was headed to a breathwork meditation class! Since then, I have been battling insurance, waiting on the police report, daily suffering from injuries that have stopped all my summer healing plans I had, and I hired my first attorney.

Two months later, I am still battling insurance to fix my car. Three times a week, I go to physical therapy and chiropractic appointments. Lymphatic massages to help with the injuries to my back, affecting my digestion. Trying to show up for work while battling brain fog and fatigue.

My injuries came from slamming on my brakes and bracing my body for the impact I saw coming. Right elbow sprain, bruising, and dislocated lower ribs. I have soft tissue damage and pinched nerves in my right ankle. Complex ACL and MCL sprains in my right knee. Two protruding discs in my L4 and L5 vertebrae are pinching nerves for my digestion, often shooting pain down my left leg, causing numbness. Kneck instability and whiplash recovery. All due to a person’s choice to get drunk and drive, I will never forgive her for the impact on my life during a time I truly didn’t need anything else.

I spend most days at home trying to rest, out at my pool, or working on my computer. My days feel long and dark right now. I feel as though I have been living a huge nightmare I can’t wake up from. Each day, I dive deep into my practices that I built from therapy. I have days where I have an immense amount of joy to still be living and breathing. Other days, my body and heart feel heavy. Each day doesn’t have to be perfect; I just have to keep going.

HOLISTIC HEALING

I am starting a path to the next level of healing my body on a cellular level. The long years of chronic stress, fight or flight, and fatigue have done a number on me. I am working with my friend Lindsey (view her practice here) to test what’s going on beneath the surface and heal. I completed a hair follicle test to get a clear picture of what is going on with my body and to create a plan to get me healthy, finally.

Be on the lookout for what this looks like because y’all will be along for the ride. Getting my body the tools it needs to get into a balanced state.

ALONE

Never in my life did I feel like I would be alone in my mid-30s, but this is my story. Living a state away from family, moving in your 30s without built-in friendships, is incredibly hard and isolating. There is a reason for it all. If I hadn’t gone through what I have in my life, I wouldn’t have the capacity to love as deeply as I do, to have deep empathy and compassion for people, growing discernment for who are aligned with me instead of just filling a void, and to find joy in the small things like a sunset and a sandwich dinner.

I will never let someone else tell me what to believe about myself or hold my past against me again. I am me, despite what I have gone through, and I have chosen to love every imperfect version of me.

During this time, I started doing the things I love again. Went to a cooking class with one of my best friends, random beach dinners at sunset, reading books, new cowboy boots and line dancing (sitting on the sidelines for now, but the vibes are elite), Dodger baseball games, car shows, midnight ocean dips, sourdough baking, saying yes to dinners out with friends, and saying yes to sitting alone.

My story isn’t over; this chapter just hurts a little more than I had hoped.

I am no longer trying to heal perfectly; I am just healing. It looks different each day as I grow deeper in feeling past events my brain as a child couldn’t comprehend, choices I made throughout my life to survive, and allow myself to feel safe in the beautiful unknown.

I wake up each day with meditation, a cortisol-balancing juice, a cup of coffee, and a smile. I plug into work running the marketing department for an agency, stay hydrated, support my body through nutrition and detoxification (breathwork, saunas, lymphatic drainage, somatic practices). Each day is a new day to show up for me. Showing myself the safety and security I was searching for in my relationships.

So cheers to healing and never giving up on ourselves.

xoxo